Talk About Depression

There is nothing to be ashamed of.  You did nothing to "earn" or "deserve" the struggle you and your loved one are going through.  Mental illness is an illness just like anything else, the only thing that sets it apart is that you cannot physically see the hurt and suffering one is going through.  The illness is invisible and that makes it misunderstood.  If your husband had cancer or your wife had diabetes, you would inform those around you.  Depression is a life-altering and -threatening illness that should be shared with those whom you come into contact most.  I know there is a lot of stigma attached to it (hey, that's what took us so long to say anything to those around us that something was not right with Z this past year), but we need to break down that stigma one person at a time.

Good things come out of talking about depression:

1. When your support system knows what is going on, they can help.
2. You are no longer alone in this struggle.
3. You no longer carry the burden by yourself.  It becomes easier to manage.
4. You suddenly learn of many people you know who also struggle with depression and they offer their support and life experiences that it will get better.
5. You educate those around you about depression.
6. Because it is someone they know and love, people become less afraid of depression.
7. You become a role model for sharing your personal battles.
8. People care more when they ask, "How are you doing... really?"
9. Your support system is clued in on what "bad" looks like and will know better when to intervene if you find yourself in that situation again.
10. Your loved one gets the right care s/he needs.
11. Boss/co-worker(s) have a better understanding for "mood swings" or moments of being anti-social (it is up to you when you feel it is appropriate to tell people at work).
12. You will be surprised with how many people in your life are willing to help.
13. You could get a lot of fun snail mail, which can REALLY brighten those dark moments.
14. People are willing to learn more.
15. People pray for you (if you are ok with that), not for your soul, but for you and your loved one as you go through a period of trial, for more sunshine and hope.

Bad things that come out of talking about depression:

1. On a rare occasion, someone will not understand and be closed-minded and lose respect for you.
2. That person was not a person you needed in your life...

Educate Yourself

One of the most important things you need to do as a loved one of a person with a mental illness is to educate yourself about their specific mental illness. 

Find out the things you can do to support and love the person better when s/he is ill.  Find out what causes the illness or what triggers it to be worse for your loved one.  Talk to your loved one's doctors and therapists alone and with your loved one.  Discover what are realistic expectations for your loved one when s/he is ill.  Learn what annoying habits you may have that may irritate the person more when s/he is ill.  Discover encouraging and inspiring things to say and do to help your loved one stay healthy or get back to healthy.

In addition to talking with professionals about your loved one's illness, there are great books out there that offer support and guidance to those of us who are going through life affected by a loved one's illness.

I can highly recommend Talking to Depression by Claudia J. Strauss.  You can find it on Amazon.com here.  There are many, many other books available in your public library to give you anything from the basics of the disease to real advice from people who have gone through what you are experiencing now.

(Some) Questions to ask:

• What are the warning signs of my loved one's lower mood?
• What do I do when I see these warning signs?
• How can I encourage my loved one when s/he is depressed?
• What is best for my loved one right now?
• How do I talk to my loved one about suicide?
• How do I get my loved one to be honest about suicidal thoughts?
• How do I cope with the reality of suicide?
• What should our plan look like when my loved one tells me s/he is thinking of hurting her/himself?
• How do I take care of myself, my children, household, life when my loved one is depressed?

One Day At A Time

The most important thing to do when trying to survive a bad spell of mental health issues in your family is to take life one day at a time.  There will be good days.  There will be bad days.  Hold on to the good moments and ride those good feelings as long as you can.  Appreciate each moment and day together.  Celebrate the small accomplishments, hold hands through the tough moments.  Cry together.  You cannot insist on life returning to normal when even the most basic daily tasks can be a huge burden or trial to your loved one.  Prioritize the necessary things that need to get done and learn to be more flexible about the things that are not as pressing or immediate. 

Our story with taking life one day at a time:
So I began the blog in January and I pick it up again today, a beautiful day in April.  We have been taking life one day at a time since Z came home from the hospital in January.  There have been celebrations and there have been trials, but here we are, just a few days before Easter.  There has been a lot going on that has prevented me from blogging, but here I am, ready to pick it up again. 

This aspect of life has been very difficult for me because I am a planner.  I like to have a plan and to stick to it.  Well, you can't stick to a plan when there is mental illness involved.  I am learning to be more flexible than ever and that is the best thing for us right now.

We have made slow progress up until 2 weeks ago when Z transitioned back to work.  Now he has regressed.  Depression and anxiety popping up and out of control.  We had to make a difficult decision this morning for him to resign from his job so he can continue on the path of healing.  Right now the most important thing in our life together is his health.  It means some sacrifices, sure, but they will be worth his improved mood. 

The Story Behind The Title

"Please Be Patient With Me" is a song by Wilco.  Below, you will find the YouTube Video of the song. Please watch it, but I warn you, it may bring tears to your eyes.  My husband shared the song with me this evening as we were discussing our situation in relation to that of Will and Emma on the episode of Glee entitled "Yes/No."  I happened to be watching that episode this evening on Hulu.  OCD is not exactly the same as depression, but it is a mental illness.  I told my husband that if I knew that I was going to have to go through these struggles again, that I would do it all over again.  He then shared this appropriate song with me. 

I had been floating around the idea of writing a blog and the song moved me to start it this evening, dedicating the title of my blog to the title of the song.   

It is not easy when you love someone with a mental illness, but life is not meant to be fair.  We will all go through our own trials and tribulations.  We will have success and failure.  We need to show compassion through amazing patience.  Definitely not my strong suit, but we all need it.

The Story Behind The Blog

Hi and welcome to my new blog.  I wanted to start this blog because this year my husband and I went through hell and I felt like I was alone.  I didn't know who to turn to and I didn't feel like I could discuss depression with those who were around me, for fear we would lose what little respect we have gathered so far as young adults. There was some information on the Internet about people going through what we were experiencing, but most people were resentful and hateful.  That was not what I needed to help me see this bad patch through.  So, I wanted to start a place where you can find hope and helpful tips to help you get through your own depression-infused hell. I don't want you to feel like you are alone.  I want you to seek help.

Here's our story:  Just three months after our beautiful wedding, my husband, Z, started to slip into his depression.  He has been struggling with depression for 12 years, but suddenly, the medicine stopped working and he went deep: anger, anxiety, sadness and pain.  After seeking help as soon as we recognized the symptoms, and trying two different medications the traditional way, three months had passed and he wasn't getting better.  It was Christmas.  Then came the suicidal thoughts... and the partial-hospitalization program.  Ups and downs... and then the real hospital.  The psych ward. 12 days of only visiting between 6 and 8pm, 12 days of more uncertainty, 12 days of loneliness.  Just this past Monday (1/23/2012) he came home.  Back into a day program to help him transition back into regular life.  There is still uncertainty, but there is more hope.  His mood has stabilized and he has some hope.  A miracle, for sure.  We will struggle with his depression for the rest of our lives, but we just need to take life one day at a time... together.

June 2011

And so I begin this blog, dedicated to my husband, who wishes he never had to put me through the hell we've been crawling through.  I'm sure your loved ones also think the same.  It hurts them that they are hurting you. 

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional.  I am just a young bride trying to reach out to those who have similar struggles to mine.  I am offering up advice from my personal and trying experiences as I watched my husband sink deeper into his depression.  These things helped me or were things I wished I would have known before I had to experience them. 

This is not a place to bring others down, but to lift them up.  We all need a support system to get us through the messes life brings us.  Please refrain from negative husband-bashing (or wife-, daughter-, or other person-bashing).  This is a place to offer hope and love in situations when we feel we are lacking those.